Sometimes we are strangers to ourselves.

“The reflection that we see everyday has nothing to do with how others see us. The glass lies.”

I often reflect on my image in the mirror and count the scars, the stretch marks, the imperfections. My eyes glide over them and sometimes I feel sick to my stomach, sometimes I look at them and wonder what I would be without them.

My asymmetry, though not abnormal, stands out the most.

Some places sink lower than others, my lip trembles higher on the left side. My mind eats up my misshapen form and spits out hurtful things, bombarding me with flaws I can’t control. I sat and watched a video of myself talking, unable to listen, only thinking about the way the words seem to fall from one side of my mouth only.

Then I think about how grateful I am for the way my waist dips in and out to my hips. I force myself to look at how my eyes sparkle and seem almost translucent in the sunlight.

I understand I am lucky to have a fast metabolism, so that when the scale reached 110 for the first time, I was relieved instead of sick with starvation and exhaustion. I think about how my legs are fragile sticks.

I think all of these things but rarely give them a voice, because if I set them free, allowing them to roam outside in my physical world, they would surely consume me. And I don’t think I can let that happen.

Instead, I keep them inside, not letting anyone know how absolutely selfish I am for hating myself from time to time. I sing and dance in the kitchen, and laugh with my whole heart, letting my crooked teeth show as I grin; without thinking. Because, thankfully, there are moments in life that remind you how insignificant a perfect set of eyebrows or muscular calves are. These moments remind us how important it is to set aside the self hate, to continuously battle the obsessive thoughts. To look outside, instead of in; to look at the asymmetry in rocks and lakes and understand you are part of them.

Embrace who you are and what you have to offer, because no matter how rotten you may feel on the inside, what you can put out into the world is wholesome.

Too often we hear “what we think on the inside makes who we are” or “the world will believe in you when you believe in yourself”. To an extent, these things are true, but I will tell you one thing:

Insecurity makes us venomous.

It is something we contain that can cause harm if we administer it into the world, affecting our relationships, our lives. We have control over the toxins we contain and who they affect. Unfortunately, we ingest poison through media of all types, and through other people who can’t contain their own toxins. It’s okay that you react and it’s okay that you need reminders of who you really are sometimes. Just don’t allow yourself to be venomous; keep the toxins to a minimum. Start to minimize the poisons in your own life, it will help, I promise.

Asymmetrical Nature

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~ by Moonstruck on November 21, 2014.

2 Responses to “Sometimes we are strangers to ourselves.”

  1. A masterful collection of words that speaks volumes about some real issues that we all face

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