Drowning in past sorrow.

jackMy father is an angry man.

This is not something he would admit to, and if you asked him, he would probably say he is just deeply caring or anxious. But he is angry.

You can tell from the way he drinks, and from the volume of his voice at two in the morning. He screams because he feels unheard, but he is unheard because he only screams.

As a young girl, I realized very quickly that no matter what I did wrong, the consequences were the same. Whether I had accidentally awoken him from a nap or if he had found out I smoked two packs a day, the tone of his voice was always at a level that made me flinch.

I never smoked cigarettes, but I always felt like I did.

They say alcoholism is a progressive disease, and I believe them. I watch my father progressively darken; the lines in his face droop downward and eventually so does his smile. And I wish I could say he becomes someone I do not recognize, but that would be a lie. I have seen this man over and over, his gaze containing a hatred I know is not meant for me, but hurts just the same.

I have learned a lot from him, like how to appreciate the small things, the gestures that mean more than they seem. The words “I’m sorry” materialized as sandwiches and root beer floats. I have learned to closely observe my own hatred, for fear of mirroring his habits, and from this spawned an almost obsessive habit of daily self-monitoring (both a gift and a curse).

There are lessons in the way he harbors memories, repeated visits to the past, ruminating, repeating “should have” as if he thinks the words are a magical spell to undo what has been done.

But most of all, I learned that bad experiences can be made into helpful forewarning, and I gained the knowledge that living in the moment is essential. Especially when dealing with troubled souls (namely the troubled souls of loved ones).

I love my father, and I will always appreciate the lessons he inadvertently taught me. It causes my heart great pain to see someone I care for slowly fade away. Every day I keep hoping that he will recognize his own strength and find solace in forgiveness. Every day I hope to hear words untouched by drink pass through lips turned up in a smile.

Every day I hope for his happiness.


~ by Moonstruck on October 3, 2014.

4 Responses to “Drowning in past sorrow.”

  1. The way you write is so artistic. When I read it I see something I want to work towards. Write more often, that is my request. 🙂

    • Thank you Steven! Means a lot. 🙂 I write more often, just in smaller snippets lately. Hopefully I can make them grow into something and post them here for others to read.

      You write very well already!

      • Well, if you ever want to send me these small snippets via email I would not complain. I always end up writing after I read your stuff. The type of mental images you inspire are something I like to try and recreate. I have like, specific sorta corny lines in posts that are my attempts at being more visual. But my imagination is lame sauce, haha.

      • Perhaps I will do that! I could use more practice anyway. I have a bad habit of writing in my head and forgetting it later on. I’m sure I could have written a book by now. 😛

        They may seem corny to you, but to others who would have never even thought to write it, it could seem totally awesome. As the cliche goes, we’re our harshest critics. MAYBE YOU SHOULD READ STORY BOOKS AS I HAVE SAID BEFORE, THEY HELP. >:3

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