A blind eye and a blind mind.

My lovely friend Michie sparked this post with her own fingernail observation.


A short while ago, I was noticing that my fingernails had grown stronger and much less translucent than normal. The fact that I had actually been eating throughout the day for the past while didn’t cross my mind as the source until much later.

To be clear, I do not have an eating disorder. I am simply terrible at taking care of myself, either because I can’t find it in myself to care (notably a symptom of depression) or because I simply lack the appropriate funds. Either way, I was doing a terrible job and silly me would still wonder why I felt so tired and weak all the time.

And of course, feeling tired and weak all the time is not a good stepping stone to recovery. From anything! Whether it be an illness, depression, bout of anxiety, or the like, not eating is one of the worst things you can do.

But I’m stubborn and a victim of habit.

Habits are comfortable. We get used to the way things are. We know how to handle them, so we stick by them for better or for worse and unfortunately, I was heading for the latter part of that deal. The worst part about being comfortable with our habits is that we no longer recognize them as such. They become an every day occurrence and pass under the radar when we scan ourselves for possible sabotaging behaviour.

I had become so used to eating so little throughout the day that my body adjusted to the feeling. I literally forgot that my body required more fuel to function at full capacity. So, whenever I felt tired and weak, I would pass the symptoms off as part of my sleep disorder and continue starving myself. The same happened with thirst; I rarely drink water.

apple3But when my boyfriend moved in with me, he opened my eyes to what I was doing to myself. He wakes up and fixes me breakfast,
ensures I have lunch for work, and each day he asks what I want for dinner.

After a while of that is when I noticed the change in my nails and like Michelle mentions in her post, that physical sign that my health was improving was exciting.

My boobs even grew! When my friend pointed out that this was also most likely due to my new self-nourishing skills, I literally gasped in shock and amazement. Let me tell you a short, eye-opening story. This story is a perfect example of how bad habits have the ability to warp our perspective without us realizing.

The Sleepy Woman

My best friend Vanessa and I were in French class, learning how to use a specific tense. For practice, our teacher decided to show us photos and we had to suggest things to the subjects within them. I think it’s important to note that this is a relatively recent event. I was a full 23 years old and in university.

The teacher put up a photo of a woman who had fallen asleep at her desk with her fingers still laced around a mug’s handle.

I decided to raise my hand and answer first. “The woman needs to drink more coffee.”

This was a perfectly fine and logical response, yes? Well, I thought so until Vanessa gasped, “Rayven!” and stared at me like I was crazy. She then quickly said, “The woman needs to get more sleep.”

My response had come so quickly and naturally to me, I did not even pause to think of any possible alternatives. This was a true reflection of how my terrible habits contrasted with her good ones. Not to mention how my own habits were so deeply ingrained into me that I saw nothing problematic with them to begin with.

And how do we first begin to battle unconscious habits? Awareness.

Now that I have become aware of these issues with my own health, I can actively fight against them. And my boyfriend (now fiance but that’s maybe another post) being here to support me is a wonderful help. Next step, more water!


~ by Moonstruck on June 2, 2014.

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