The heart has mastered the art of playing dead.

For the longest time I had been avoiding commitment. I developed a horrible fear of it and didn’t trust that I wasn’t going to get hurt in the worst way possible if I finally did make a leap of faith. I second guessed everything, despite how much I knew I cared about certain people. I always wished for their happiness but couldn’t find it in myself to be theirs.

As soon as I started to feel comfortable, it seemed like something would go wrong and I would be scared off again. Which is reminiscent of my kitten, Kesha, who was rescued by my cousin from a construction site.

Her trust issues and wariness of new people were mirror images of my own inner turmoil. I connected with her right away; all I wanted for those first few days of ownership were to make her feel safe and loved. I have never been a huge cat person, or pet person in general. But as soon as I saw this distressed, underfed animal hiding her face in the arm of a jacket, I felt love and attachment.

kesha 2

Now she’s a proud cat whose affection has grown substantially. She hates to be apart from me, is very playful, and loves to cuddle. She’s still afraid of the unknown but is slowly gaining the courage to explore.

And that’s where I am in my life.

Just as Kesha took a leap of faith with me, I’ve taken a leap of faith with Ryan. As scary as it is, I just realized I needed to push forward. Not only for myself, but for those who needed me to make a solid decision. Ryan made it easy. Even though he’s long distance and the closest to meeting face-to-face we’ve done is through Skype, I have so much trust in him. He gives me a feeling of security I haven’t felt in such a long time.

He’s like a breath of fresh air.

ry ry

I’ve already blurted out my problems with depression and anxiety, along with my worries about how those things might affect my ability to handle a long-distance relationship. He has been nothing but supportive, consistently telling me he will always do his best to make things easy for me. I have learned how to cope quite well on my own, reaching out for help when I need to. Hopefully the distance will help solidify such independence. One of the worries I had about getting back into a relationship was that I’d use that person as a crutch all over again.

The last thing I want is to feel like my happiness depends on someone else. It’s one thing to allow a person into your life in such a way that you can appreciate everything about them, and another to bring that person into your life expecting that they will make everything better. Perhaps the latter is partially why my past romantic relationships have never quite made it.

I feel no pressure, no expectations with him. This feels like the perfect transition and I appreciate every part about it, despite any uncomfortable and fearful feelings.

All I know is that it feels natural and I want to try. These feelings took me by surprise and I’m going to let them continue to take me along whatever path they choose. Moving on has lifted a weight from my chest and I will always wish those I care for, and those who care for me, complete and infinite happiness.

This isn’t about forgetting. It’s about realizing when it’s time to appreciate the past for what it is and creating something new. For all of you who have been hurt enough and are on the verge of giving up, what I have to say is this:

You may feel like your heart has grown cold and your idea of love may be changing. Thoughts of romantic love might become sour; you may even question its existence and worth. As long as you realize that, just as your negative experiences are changing you now, positive experiences can change you just as quickly. In fact, the negative changes are generally slow and painful, but the positive ones have the power to happen seemingly out of nowhere. Hope is never lost. We are not concrete in our thoughts; time has a way of shaping them with experience.

be brave

So for now, brood in your heartbroken sentiments. They are warranted and you have every right to harbor them. Take what you can from them, feel your way through the lessons and grow. That way when those positive experiences come at you like a Bonsai Bill hopped up on star power you’ll be wiser and stronger than you were. A wise mind breeds wise decisions.

And good decisions are the stepping stones to happiness.




~ by Moonstruck on November 12, 2013.

2 Responses to “The heart has mastered the art of playing dead.”

  1. thank you for this, its just how I feel at the moment and I will take your advice x

    • You’re very welcome, I’m glad I could help. ❤ I hope you feel better soon. C: You’re wonderful and will find someone who realizes just how wonderful you are in due time. No rush, remember!

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