Attitudes of Anticipation & Allegations

butterfly 3

Words escape without meaning,
trying to find their place in my unrefined emotion.
Eventually becoming tired,
they fall into a slumber beneath my tongue.

They rest there confused,
causing my being to ache with their failure.
Unable to wake them,
my body lays motionless in the world I can’t explain.

Frustration lingering in the air,
tastes bitter but I cannot sweeten it with my voice.
The perception of reality dissolves around me,
and I become trapped within myself.

The tears that fall from my eyes,
they are my only escape.
Each a vial of despair,
containing the remorse of each slumbering word.

These tears carry relief,
but no other can understand them like I do.
My body is the prison of words,
and it is here that I feel most alone.

-- by Rayven S. --

It seems to be that when I need to write in my blog the most, is when I’m too sad to lift myself from my bed. Curled up in the fetal position, feeling that familiar anxiety all over my body and the tickle of a few tears down my face, I narrate the words I wish I could type in my head.

As if I had been thrust into a thousand different roles, it’s as though I am living my life for everyone around me and everyone that I will meet, rather than for myself. This is the part where my brain scrambles all the feelings that go with that one very important, central line. Sometimes, it is not good enough to show what you feel with simple behaviour. If a picture is worth 1000 words, then would the same not work for behaviour and language? The person who is, like me, lying motionless on the bed or floor, tears streaming down their face, stricken with silence; do they have to open their mouth and verbalize their emotions so that it is understood that they are experiencing a form of sadness?

I would think not.

Everything you need, as an outside person to this individual, is right there. The thoughts and triggers that go with them are personal to that human being and are shared at their own discretion.

A perfect example of how useless words themselves are is speaking to someone through social media. Emoticons symbolizing human emotions are used to soften words and allow others to gain a sense of your mood when you typed them out. Not only that, but an argument via plain text is more likely to be drawn out and lead to harsh words and negativity simply because the person’s emotions, their humanity, is no longer a factor.

Much of the time words fail us because there are none. Our own thoughts don’t represent themselves in the form of words quite often and yet, we’re expected to be able to translate them into a language that is lacking. Our own dreams defy language, in the sense that they do not follow semantic guidelines and need to be translated through the use of symbols. Symbols that can be easily explained using the words provided to us, symbols we can verbalize.

label

I am all too familiar with symbols. These roles that I am told to adapt to, I feel as though they are sometimes a symbolic prison. I am not free to do what I wish at a given time because it does not fit the role that others place upon me. The budding psychologist can’t possibly choose her own feelings over another because that’s just not what a psychologist would do. Evidently, the student who does not spend enough time at home is neglecting her studies. The woman who claims to be depressed is looking for excuses to neglect her responsibilities. She isn’t really socially anxious, she’s just shy and trying to make herself feel better. She must be fucking her ex-boyfriend if they still hang out together and if she isn’t, well then she’s a bitch for leading him on.

Those are just a few examples. I am not making them up. They are all expectations and accusations I have personally experienced. It’s dehumanizing; my personality and perspective are nonexistent in these cases. I am simply expected to follow the rules laid out for me by the people employing these labels upon my existence.

I am an honest, trustworthy person but when I do not comply with the guidelines thrust upon me, this is not taken into consideration. As soon as I do not meet expectations, it is assumed that there must be a flaw in my character that is to blame. Why is the worst assumed of me simply because I did not meet your criteria or follow the exact path you did to achieve certain goals?

Roles are a creation of the selfish human. They are set in place to optimize another person’s use to you. However, I am well aware that labels do not always hold such negative intentions. A teacher is useful to many other humans, but a use that can be fulfilling for that individual. On the other hand, if you are a believer in people of power (government)  asserting dominance over the majority, a teacher can be a useful tool.

barcode

I try my best not to put labels on people. I wish to be treated as an individual, so I could never be okay with saying someone is a certain way or should be a certain way because of one aspect of their lives. There are an assortment of variables that contribute to the way a person is and how they act. Not one person is the same.

“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.” – Wayne Dyer

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~ by Moonstruck on September 16, 2013.

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