Scattered

I lost a friend because they decided my morals weren’t their cup of tea. Which is fine by me, because in sticking up for what I believe is right, I gained the respect of someone new. And what’s better than mutual respect? Not much.

You gain some, you lose some. Ain’t a thang.

first

And I think that is a great question to ask yourself every once in a while. If you start to feel as though your life is becoming monotonous and dull, think of something you haven’t done and just do it. Personally, I’ve been feeling that way for a while. Not because I don’t go out and do a lot – I certainly do – but because I feel as though I haven’t done enough in relation to my personal appetite.

I’ve been wanting to go to a meditation retreat for a few years now, but it’s hard finding the time. I can’t just devote 10 solid days (more like 12 because of orientation) to meditation. I have so many other responsibilities and it kills me that I haven’t been able to do this. At least I’ve been going to the gym.

Lately I’ve been feeling like no matter how much alone time I receive, it just isn’t enough. I don’t want to talk or engage anyone or put in any social effort whatsoever. I feel a constant lingering frustration; partly because I rarely get full days to myself in the first place. If I have set plans for the next day I find it hard to relax the previous evening. I really wish I could go away for a while.

I’ve been reading Tales From A Traveling Couch by Robert U. Akeret. His stories begin in the 60s and one man speaks of living in a commune and eventually, spending part of his life in a tree. Eventually he finds his way back to city life, but remains his spiritual self. The amount of holistic medicine this man speaks of is insane. He mentions guided meditation on LSD, which is something I’ve thought about for a while and even dreamed about last night.

Sometimes the amount of motivation I feel is so intense that I can’t get started fast enough, but these bursts are brief and I never know when they’re going to hit me again. I’ve been trying to keep interest by reading more, exercising, and thinking of what could be if I persevere. My mind feels clouded and it makes me ill.

Part of me doesn’t want to post this because I don’t feel it’s up to par with my other posts. However, it is a clear representation of just how confused and frustrated I really am. At least to me it is. Everything is a mess.

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~ by Moonstruck on August 31, 2013.

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