Motivation of Spirit

What are you supposed to do when you’ve lost all motivation for everything but insist on pretending otherwise?

My only driving force is the fact that I absolutely hate upsetting people. I want to see the people I care for happy. So I maintain happiness for that purpose and pretty much that purpose only.

I’ve done a lot of thinking; a whole lot of self-reflection and came to this realization rather abruptly. A realization that brought me to the question above. I insist on smiling and laughing, being joyful, making constant jokes, and brushing aside the complete lack of passion I have for life at this moment. I do it because:

  1. Don’t get me wrong, my friends and family do make me genuinely happy when I am in their presence. They help me escape from the loneliness I feel pretty often and I’m unsure what I would do without them.
  2. I would hate to be the cause of anyone else’s concern and/or unhappiness.
  3. Their smiles are the only true happiness that I can find anymore.

My source of happiness is entirely external and my goal is to find that internal pool of happiness that I can go to in dire times of stress. I need it for that motivation to do things, all things, because without it I feel like a robot. I go through the motions without really feeling like I’m accomplishing anything of value.

The paradox in all of this, in finding my only source of happiness in the external world, is that I am often pushed inward. I live inside of my head. That is where I am most comfortable because I am free to get lost in endless loops of questions that don’t have answers. Distractions from how empty I really feel on the outside.

I feel like I’ve lost myself and I know I need to find that love I once had for everything around me. I can admire the beauty of the world, but not the experiences I can gain within it. I can only percieve and it’s such a hollow existence.

I feel so detached and I’m struggling to grab hold again. But at least I’m struggling and not allowing myself to free fall. I still have some sort of drive to grasp at whatever I can that keeps me from hitting the ground.


~ by Moonstruck on March 13, 2013.

One Response to “Motivation of Spirit”

  1. it is really so hard to figure out who we are. There are like three of us. The person we think we are, the person others think we are, and whatever you are in reality. I’m yet to figure it all out. :/

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